Seasons

Seasons of life. You cannot avoid them. It will come, it will end and then another one comes again.

Different season means different trials and victories. It is constantly changing, but one thing I know for sure will never change-God. He is there, if you will just look closely and seek deeply, you’ll find Him there. He never leaves and never will. He is there in the midst of the storm, in the blazing fire and even in the glorious victory! The Lord never leaves His children. Ever. 

I want to share the season im in this moment with you. I am currently on my second pregnancy. It was definitely a surprise but it is such a blessing, a gift from above that me and my husband are so so grateful for. We cannot wait to meet this little guy soon.  Very soon. 

Since i have done, felt and experienced this before i thought it would be easy this time. But i was wrong. I could not count how many times i went to the hospital (FYI- still in and out and i am past the due date of when i am expected to deliver). It started well, i felt great until i reached my third trimester. 

Everything started to go downhill for me, my health especially- physically, emotionally and even mentally. So much pain here and there, anxiety attacks i never thought i will have, stressed to the bones and the feeling of disappointment and failure creeps in my mind every single night.

I am that type of person who really puts my heart and everything into what i do. I have issues with control and trust, i want to do everything my own and exactly whats on my mind. So when everything got compromised, plans needed to be adjusted and changed, plus other problems going on (which i am not ready to share yet) i somewhat fell into depression. 

I tried. I tried encouraging myself, I started comparing other people whose going through the same (or even worse) than what I am going through and think to myself, “if they can do it so can I”. And when that didn’t work, the solution I thought of is to mask everything, hide it. I thought, since this is only a season, it will come to pass, I just need to wait til it’s over and no one will ever know. I can’t let my husband, my son, my friends and family see me like this- weak. I dont want to disappoint and get pitied on, so I did my best to hide it. Did it worked? Yes, for a bit but eventually I exploded.

I was exhausted. It came to the point that I cannot hide it anymore, especially to those whose closest to me- my husband. I remember being caught hiding in the closet having panic attacks and crying my heart out. It is embarrassing to be honest but instead of criticism and judgement, i received a warm hug. So tight that I could feel the comfort and love i needed at that time and indeed, something shifted inside of me at that very moment. I know what to do.

This experience made me realized that i was slowly and surely falling into a deep pride and deception. My bible college teacher once said, the scary thing about deception is not knowing you are in it. Thankfully, God’s grace allowed me to see it before it’s too late. All the hiding and pretending- who am i fooling? God knows, He knows the deep deep deep thoughts in my mind. He sees how wrecked and broken i am in the inside. But yet, all I hear is His still small voice calling and reaching out. 

I finally broke down, acknowledged that I am unwell and in need of God’s healing. I crushed my pride and ask forgiveness from God. I stopped questioning God and started listening. In order for me to do that i have to surrender the very thing i am having a hard time surrendering the most- and that is “Letting Go”. But I did it, I evaluated all the things i am doing and going through and started praying to God to help me surrender control. 

I started with my job which i love, during my third trimester my doctor diagnosed me as high risk pregnancy and suggested to take an early off for the good of the baby and myself. It took almost a month of her convincing me that it is for the best and I finally obeyed. I was very worried leaving early because of the amount of work i needed to finish but I was blessed with an amazing boss and leaders who understood my situation. And I must say, taking that off did help my health a lot.

And then ministries. I love that I get to serve and be used by God. If only I can do it full time I will. Although, during this season I have been feeling very guilty of not being able to do much as I was before and that is very hard for me to accept. Me and my husband got the honor to lead and serve at our church outreach ministry and other ministries in the church. I tried keeping myself busy with ministries but at the back of mind God is telling me something else. I need to re-align myself to what He wants me to do this season and that is to Rest and be alone with Him again. So I spoke and seek counsel with my Pastors and they lovingly helped me decide and do what is best for me spiritually. I got some wisdom i needed to hear and so I have decided to take a leave from ministry for a little while and focus on being renewed again. 

Don’t get me wrong though, letting go does not mean quitting! All of these (work, ministry, etc) are a blessing from above, the problem is when you put these blessings on top of God it becomes an idol and it’s so easy to fall in the trap that is why the bible tells us to always guard our hearts, listen to God and discern. 

I wish i can tell you that this season of my life is over and that I have overcame everything. Not yet, I am still on that process, in fact, I am actually writing this while i’m laying here in the hospital bed with all the monitor wires attached to me, LOL. But to be honest, I am ok with it not being over yet, I am learning a lot and I am taking this time to hear from God. I have more peace this time because I finally get it and took the step of obedience. Who says you cannot have peace and joy during a tough season? Let me tell you this, it is possible when you walk with the Lord. I realized that God allowed for me to go through these trials because He knows that I am able to overcome it. So what if I don’t get my healing right away. I’d rather depend on His strength than on my own.

If you are going through a tough season right now, i want you to know that I get it. I know it’s not easy, you may also feel that nobody understands or cares about you. But I want you to take that lie off your mind because it is not true. God is always watching and present, sometimes you just need to seek deeper and trust me He will answer! 

I want to encourage you that instead of praying for your storm to be over, start asking God to help you overcome it. Don’t let your season pass without bearing fruits and remember that God will never leave nor forsake you.

Can you pray with me?

Heavenly Father,

I thank You that in every season we go through You are there. I thank You that You never leave nor forsake Your children. Father, I asked that whoever is reading this and is going through a tough season right now that you will give them the strength to acknowledge that we are weak by ourselves alone and in need of your guidance. I pray that we will seek you more during this time and will have the strength to obey You. In Your mighty name we pray.

Amen.

I want to leave you with this encouragement from Brittney Moses “don’t be so in a rush to get to another stage in your life that you miss the purpose of what God wants you to learn about yourself here and now”. 

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.

Ecclesiastes 3:1